Libya and the dilemma of the Lesser of Two Wonderfuls

And we're back. We apologize for the absence, but we've had quite our work cut out for us, purging every last member who had turned down the wishy-washy road of progressivism, as Lawrence O'Donnell might castigate them for doing. (Who himself is a "European-style socialist" and therefore weak as fuck, too.) The progressives have been too busy twisting Gramsci, and foisting Alinkyism and the liberal versions of identity politics over the Left, so our purge was near complete. With such a reduced cadre, it is a wonder we have anyone left to level political injunctions upon our followers.

Because of a recent request by one of our fearless and inveterate General Secretary-Chairman's younglings, a late convocation of leading party commissars have been summoned to pontificate upon the Party's doctrinal position over NA✞O's aggression against Qattafi, now in it's sixth month. The padawan is correct that this is a question we should have long ago expressed interest in, as are those regarding the Arab Spring, which itself began in Carthaginian Winter and is wading into a Bedouin Autumn.

Unfortunately, our meeting was devoured by discord. Each side had authoritative evidence to push its agenda. The Tankies Division of our Central Committee entered prepared with issues of the Final Call and the Workers World which presented irrefutable evidence that Ghadafi's collaboration with European powers and training of genocidal paramilitaries in Western Africa are irrelevant in defining Colonel Khatafy as a lifelong champion of socialist jamarahiya and green revolution (we hear his Ukrainian nurses' vibrators are biodiesel-fueled).

On the other hand, the Party's commissars aligned with the Liberal Imperialism Faction fruitfully expressed that when former empires led by conservative parties bomb civilian targets from jets to take out a leader that counters their hegemony in Africa and prove they still have some mojo, it is all outweighed by the fact that this time the United States is run by a Democrat with a father from Africa. The Liberal Imperialist Faction came complete with a scientific chart animating a seesaw where Sarkozy, Cameron and Berlusconi's sabre-rattling were easily outweighed by President Obama's not-being-George-Bush.

As it was clear that the Party had to take sides with either a murderous Cold War relic made up of former colonial powers manifested in NA✞O who just weeks before had been imploring other regional tyrants like Ben Ali, Saleh and Mubarak to remain in power, or a murderous Third Worldist relic of a tyrant who speechified about wholesale slaughtering his populace so that his sons could continue racing sports cars through European cities and he could continue selling out Palestinian refugees, we deliberated on the matter for quite some time. Because, y'know, you just can't rationally oppose both sides while supporting the Libyan people's own self-determination. No, you mustn't think of doing that.

In the end, we decided to order some white pizzas and a side of crazy bread, and reconvene via conference call.

The CP(F) solves the food crisis with millet and mullet

For five or so months, protests, strikes, riots, and rebellions have rocked the planet over the increasing costs of fuel and food, a menial crisis for some but catastrophic for billions of people living in a poverty created by capitalist imperialism. Wheat, corn, rice, plantain, banana, tomato, yuca, milk, eggs, you name it and the staples of people who are just barely surviving under regimes of neo-colonialism and corporate globalization are finding themselves at the breaking point. This is not over-population, as Western racists would have us believe to evade us from issues of underdevelopment and exploitation.

To address this, and issue a clear command to all of our members, the CP(F) PolitBoro has decided to call on a cuisine strike, to last for at least a month. From henceforth, our comrades will be sticking to the sub-basics, the most plebeian options available on the market. Our primary source of grain will be millet, for use as a hot cereal, flour, bread, beer source, and for all other such uses. For meat eaters, we will be restricted to mullet, and the occasional roadkill rabbit or deer. Sugars will come from artificial sweeteners to be poached from capitalist restaurants, and salts may be grated out of salt water lakes and seas.

We feel that, in the great tradition of Gandhi and non-violent resisters, we can show our solidarity with rioters around the world through this form of anti-elitist fasting, cleansing ourselves of the bourgeois decadence that helps instill our need to defend petit bourgeois class interests. All comrades found sauteeing quinoa, enjoying non-soured wines or cooking with too many aromatic spices in their dishes will be sentenced to self-criticism essays to be published in the Party's self-criticism quarterly and at a length of our choosing. End communication.